I hate HGTV so much I'm not even sure I can properly convey it. But let me try.
First and foremost, I must acknowledge the insidious genius of their scheduling. HGTV runs their programming in such a way that it's almost impossible to stop watching. The next show literally starts right as the previous one ends. Breaking free of the vortex is a Herculean task.
One moment we see Ivanka and Chip relaxing on the veranda of the beach house they bought on their own private island, clinking glasses of Dom Perignon as the sun sets. The next moment we see a couple strolling through a delightfully exotic city as the voiceover says "Muffy and Biff are both retired high school teachers looking for a vacation home in Thailand so that Muffy can write Twilight fan fiction and Biff can continue his dream of working as a Ladyboy."
Well damn, now I have to watch that.
And so it goes in a 24 hour cycle. It's a dope peddler's wet dream.
Then there are the shows. There is a dizzying variety of shows, and they pummel you with stupidity.
Were Tiny Homes even a thing before HGTV shoved them on us? I thought that I lived in a Tiny House until I saw some of the crazy shit they're building. Most of them have to be on wheels, because they don't meet any kind of building code for habitable space. I really think that most of these folks need to be examined for some kind of mental illness.
Flip Or Flop features a pair of yuppies buying houses on the cheap, sight unseen, and trying to flip them for a profit. I hated these two the moment I saw them. They epitomize the stuck up rich kids on campus who just know that they're better than everyone, and they're the reason most people hate fraternities and sororities. The fact that they're flippers justifies my first impression of them. Because they're buying stuff at auction, it means that they're profiting from the misery of others. Isn't that just awesome? Every time I see them I hope that this is the episode where they go bankrupt and they have to shoot femdom porn to make ends meet.
Love It Or List It is that perfect storm of truly obnoxious hosts and guests who are petty to the point of insanity. The hosts are an arrogant pair, one is a slimy looking realtor, the other a designer who looks as though her entire life has been one shit sandwich after another. The guests on the show are tired of their home because their St Bernard had puppies and the need an extra room for the dogs to shit in, or the color on their appliances has faded and they simply MUST have a new house rather than buy new appliances. The hosts compete to see whether the realtor can find them a new home or the designer can make the home they're in workable for them. Each guest is more insufferable than the last, and the hosts spend all of their time snarking at each other and/or about the guests.
The worst part is that there are TWO versions of the show. In the second one, the realtor host actually oozes slime. I can see it running from the bottom of my TV set. The designer on this version is tolerable, but only because she actually looks like she might have enjoyed her life at some point.
My dream show would be one where the house catches fire, trapping them all inside. Except the St Bernard and her puppies. Because, dogs.
Income Property follows in the footsteps of the douchebags who host Flip Or Flop. This is a guy who looks like a Gordon Gekko protege, and his idea is to help homeowners turn their homes into cash flow machines. In my 20 years as a City Code Official I can attest that most of the folks who try this are always either a) Gaping Assholes or b) fucking idiots. Usually both. This show merely puts it on the screen for all to see.
Fixer Upper features the most annoying hosts on the network. Actually, there's nothing really wrong with the concept of the show, it's just that I can't stand Chip. How in the hell Joanna puts up with him at all, much less lets him get close enough to father all those kids, is beyond me. Also, it would be nice if there was just one episode where they didn't have mutual orgasms every time they find shiplap.
To be fair, there is one show that I like. Rehab Addict features a host who travels around Michigan and Minnesota looking for old houses to restore. And I do mean restore. She doesn't cut corners, and she's not looking for a quick flip for a profit. Her passion for the work shows throughout.
Don't get me wrong. I'm still not going to watch it. It's like another half hour at work for me. But it does redeem HGTV a little bit.
But not enough to make up for letting Chip Gaines on TV.
~Easy
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